Learning To Let Go

I sat in the dark, looking at closet full of pink and purple, a dresser decorated with a Russian nesting doll, a block set of St. Basil's Cathedral and all the books that have been given by loving family and friends. I remembered the feeling of utter relief when the judge granted our adoption. I thought we were most certainly so close to having our Russian adoption behind us. Just 30 days to rest and prepare for our daughter. No more worrying about the outcome or what would happen. She was ours and her new name was the proof.

It was such a wonderful feeling to be buying plane tickets to Russia for the last time; to know that I will not be mailing visa applications to New York again. With a sign of relief, it was time to focus on Christmas. Well, until the phone rang. Our coordinator was calling to give some more details on our Embassy appointment. Before he hung up he mentioned how lucky we were to get into court on the last day because now they were turning people away, telling them there are to be no more adoptions. He said we had nothing to worry about because she is legally ours, but how sad for all those families that had not made it to court yet! And besides he said, the Russian government never passes anything quickly. It will be quite awhile before they vote on this bill.

With each day the situation seemed to get more and more troubling. The Duma had passed the bill in record time. and now the Federation Council vote unanimously in favor. Our agency and other adoption experts assured us, saying Putin would never sign such a bill. But from the media a very different story was burning our ears and bringing tears to our eyes. One Russian billionaire began talking about 46 children who passed court and were waiting for their parents to come get them. They would not be allowed to leave the country, the news article said. He agreed to pay any Russian family $50,000 to adopt these children. I felt stunned and breathless. That is my daughter he is talking about! What a helpless feeling to know there is nothing I can do for her. I can't protect her or comfort her. I may never even see her again. And what sort of life is she destined for? A family who will adopt her only for money. A culture where she will be treated like trash and will be given no rights for an education or even marriage. I knew, for most girls this means a life of prostitution. After all, that is why we chose to adopt a little girl from Russia, to save her from such a fate.

My mind kept replaying our time with her, her sweet smile and joyful laugh. The way she had learned to say "Mama" and "Dada" and all I could do was get on my knees and turn to God. In complete helplessness I turned her life and the future of our family over to Him. Life is not about me and what I want. I trust that God knows what is best and if God is glorified then all the rest will be okay. Now, I will say that I have not felt that way all week. I have moments of anger, incredible despair, joy and peace, sometimes one right after the other.  In the end though I choose to believe that God is the purpose of my life and I want to stand before him one day confident that I did my best to obey Him no matter the cost. I forget often and get so caught up in myself, but life is is simply not about me. It hurts so much and I will never forget our spirited Russian daughter. She will always be in my heart.

This morning we awoke to the news that Putin will sing the bill, although the details are still unknown. The words of most carried a hopeless tone today for the future of so many Russian children. We felt defeated and confused. Two years ago when we started our adoption and God kept telling us "Russia", we tried to explain to God that Russia was too difficult, too much money, too much stress. God very quietly yet persistently continued to whisper "Russia." He also gave me an old hymn I had not hear in years. "God will make a way when there seems to be no way." This morning that popped into my mind and I realized that two years ago I had no idea what that meant. I can reflect on the past two years and see so many instances that seemed impossible and yet God made a way.  And with each turn of events, things seem to get even more impossible. Does it mean He will bring her home? I don't know, but I look forward ot the day when I can look back over this entire experience and see how God was right there the entire time, completely in control  and working all things for our good.

Update:

We received some unexpected news this afternoon that brings some hope. Our coordinator said they spoke with the local MoE (the government branch that handles adoptions) in Stavropol. They said that our adoption is already complete in their eyes and that the Federal Government has no authority to reverse the court decision. They are moving forward with our paperwork and expect us there on January 15th to pick her up. They seem confident that we will bring her home. He followed that up by saying, " This is Russia we are talking about so there are no guarantees." His hope is that our case will not catch the attention of anyone on the Federal level and we can quietly slip in and out of the region. Once we get to the Embassy, we will be safe! So, this is what we are praying for and would love if everyone would join us in this prayer. We want the Russian Federal government would remain completely unaware of our traveling to get her. We re thankful tonight to be moving forward with our trip although we know tomorrow could bring a different direction for our adoption journey.

Please also pray and maybe consider donating to our adoption. We still have about $6000 to raise in the next two weeks to pay for this final trip. God is good and He has always provided exactly enough every time we have needed it so far and we know He will again!